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An Interview With Ronald McDonald.

by Birk on March 25, 2012

Ronald McDonald

Come on kids, follow me to fat town!

The following is a transcript of my interview with Ronald McDonald. Mr. McDonald is the child-friendly clown and the public-relations front for a fast food company that sells crap on a bun. This marketing concept is catching on. In the aftermath of the BP oil spill, the oil titan is trying to book Santa Claus for a public relations campaign.

Here is the interview:

Birk: Hi Ronald, I want to thank you for taking the time out of your schedule for this interview. I know 2011 was a busy and highly profitable year for McDonalds.

Ronald: I like cheeseburgers and so do my puppet friends.

Birk: Uh…okay? That’s great, but the reason I wanted to interview you is to get your feedback on the current obesity pandemic in the US. Do you feel that McDonalds sells food that should come with a warning label?

Ronald: I have red boots on.

Birk: Are you fu#@ing serious? I am trying to have a serious discussion on how fast food is contributing to the national obesity pandemic, and all you can say is “I have red boots on?” Please tell me you have something valuable to contribute. Hell, I don’t care if you lie about the quality of the food, or how you do not feel that McDonalds tries to brainwash children through toys in a box of dogfood (AKA: HappyMeal).

Ronald: I like to eat hair. McDonalds CEO said he would give me a baloon if I didn’t talk bad about the company during this interview.

Birk: You are an idiot. At least admit that you have some regret about promoting a brand that sells Grade D or lower meat ?

Ron: “D” is for Delicious!

Birk: So, you don’t think resturants should be forced to display all ingridents, additives (pink slime), and chemicals used in food?

Ron: It shows pickles, hamburger, and bun on the menu, doesn’t it?

Birk: Okay, I am done with this fu#@ing meeting.

It’s obvious that Mr. McDonald is not in charge of the popular hamburger chain; however, the people in charge are very smart. They have found a way to profit from selling the lowest grade food possible on a massive scale and at a 90% markup. They are not alone. Total fast food sales in 2011 are up at most fast food chains. It seems that a downturn economy is good for fast food business.

Statistically speaking,  approximately 100 people got fatter in the time it took to conduct this interview with Ronald McDonald. Okay, that may be a little extreme,  but only by a little. Obesity in America is becoming a pandemic. While third-world countries battle starvation and scarcity of food, Americans are eating themselves to death. The occurrence of diabetes, heart disease, and other serious health issues are at an all time high. We are becoming a society of gluttony and overindulgence. It is now widely accepted to be overweight; thin healthy people are becoming a minority…perhaps even extinct.

It doesn’t help matters that the media sees obesity as a new “cash-cow” (no pun intended). Advertising agencies look for what market demographic is most prevalent, and aim all efforts at that market. If the majority of the people are fat, then skinny people suddenly become a point of anger and resentment (and the minority). Even the major media outlets have joined the cause. Look at some of the more popular singers and movie stars these days. It’s like they are getting paid to get fat. The truth is, if they are fat, they can sell more concerts, more albums, and more movie tickets to people who are most like them. It creates an environment of acceptance and justification. This would be fine if the trend-setting was about morals or living a healthy lifestyle. Instead it’s the same skanky behavior, only now with much heavier celebrities.

If the majority of people in media and pop-culture are thin and health-conscious, then there will always be a market for expensive diet plans, weight loss medical procedures, and celebrities endorsing another Weight Watchers commercial. If there ever comes a day where obese people are the true majority, then I expect there will be weight-gain diets, celebrities endorsing butter, and Paula Dean will become a life coach!

The real issue: The media, internet, and even doctors have stopped trying to solve the obesity crisis and instead have found ways to capitalize from it. Sadly, parents are not controlling what their children are eating. They choose convenience over quality. When their kids get fat, they blame fast food and video game companies. Without a market, McDonalds and other fast food chains like it, would go out of business.

McDonalds sells crap because all of their competitors sell crap. I’m not going to lie, they make that crap taste amazing! Big Mac’s, tacos from Taco Bell, and oddly-shaped chicken nuggets from Wendy’s…sheer bliss. We forget the food is a just one grade away from being inedible. We forget that while the food is convenient and tasty, it is also clogging our arteries and destroying our internal organs. We just keep buying it. They keep selling it.

Responsibility ultimately lies on us, the consumer. We are responsible for our midsections and for setting a good example for our children to follow. If we leave it up to them, we have a mentally unstable clown calling the shots. Remember, it is supply and demand. Without demand, supply will dwindle. Ronald will have to find a new job. Maybe we’ll see him promoting vodka or cigarettes to teens next?


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